For those of you who don’t follow me on Facebook, good for you. It’s a huge time suck. Your reward is that this will be all new for you. Those of you who do follow me, well, what can I say? Think of this as an Internet rerun, a sort of “Inrun”, if you will.
I should patent that.
Anyway, as I was saying… El Cap and I spent the week in the Florida Keys, at an awesome one-bedroom oceanfront cottage, La Siesta, in Islamorada. It was awesome, not just because we had the ocean outside our door and we did things like snorkeling Cheeca Rocks, laying in hammocks, and testing out the effects of coconut rum on the decision making abilities of middle aged women (spoiler alert: don’t try this at home. Or do. Evs. It’s the Keys, y’all), but because somewhere around the 25th latitude, our conversation (blissfully!) turned from talk about paint colors, flooring materials, and work, to things like this:
(These are actual conversations; do not try this at home. We are trained professionals.)
At dinner:
Me: I want to taste hogfish.
El Cap: It’s an ugly fish…
Me: I’m not gonna sleep with it. I’m gonna eat it.
After El Cap makes a flattering remark about my new swimsuit:
Me: WAIT. Am I a trophy girlfriend? Because I aspire to that.
El Cap: it’s nice to have goals.
*****
El Cap and I just spent ten minutes pretending we knew what the ospreys were saying to one another. It ended with the female going to nest angry and the male thinking if he waited long enough, he could go out with the guys and skulk back in after she fell asleep. Of course, that’s El Cap’s perspective. I know damn well that she is still gonna be pissed when he shakes the beer off his tail feathers and stumbles back home.
******
El Cap: Whatcha’ doin’?
Me: Watching lizard porn. I think. This one with the cut off tail has been trying to entice the little one. (I move closer; the mating dance- complete with the flaring of the brilliant orange dewlap- stops abruptly)
El Cap: Yeah?
Me: Well, I have to stop. Apparently I’m some sort of reptilian cockblock…
(About an hour later)
El Cap: Oh! There’s your little no-tailed lizard!
Me: I’ve been watching him. I kind of want to get a box and put them in it so he can have his way with her.
(Silence)
Me: Is that wrong? Did I just promote lizard rape?
El Cap: No. He should just move on, find another lizard. Go to ‘GetALizardTonight.com’, you know?”
(Note: GetALizardTonight.com is apparently up for grabs. It’s nice to know that there are still some things too weird for the Internet.)
As we drive north on US 41 past a sign for the Naples Zoo:
El Cap: Naples has a zoo?
Me: I KNOW, I was just thinking that.
El Cap: Maybe that’s what Gulfport needs. You know, as a tourist attraction.
Me: We can’t even have a dog kennel inside city limits. I’m not sure how we get Planning to go for a zoo…
El Cap: Well, maybe it could be all video screens with stuff from the Internet, like a dachshund cleaning a lion’s teeth, stuff like that. Videos people send you from YouTube…
We maybe have been off the reservation too long. Or we have the most awesome conversations ever. It’s hard to tell…
