The Mystery of the Three Pack

If you “got” my reference in my last blog (and in my Gabber article about Carl Asch of Empty Hats fame), this is probably a useless blog entry.

If you did not get the reference (and please, mom, if you DON’T fall into this category, I don’t want to know… really), read on.

Three pack, as in erotic (read: porn) magazines.

In some adult retail establishments (I have heard) patrons can purchase certain magazines in sets of threes, all nicely wrapped in a plastic bag, in much the same way as MacWorld arrives in my mailbox. Of course, MacWorld, while an inarguably more valuable publication for what I do (no comments, please), lacks the closeup photographic work of these other publications…. from what I’ve read.

Because the magazines are safely contained in plastic, people wishing to purchase them can only see the titles of the outer two magazines, which, my sources tell me, generally have the more mainstream (playing fast and loose with the word mainstream, I know) titles, such as Lips (I’m not certain but I think it’s a magazine about skin care) Shaved (I believe this particular title has some relation to grooming), or Hustler (now, even the most Puritanical of us knows that this magazine deals with billiards).

The mystery inner magazine? Well, apparently (again, I don’t know, have never seen these magazines, and certainly don’t have an ex-husband who had two milk crates full of the stuff in the back of the closet by his dress shoes) the plastic is just tight enough that patrons can’t tell what subjects the third magazine deals with.

Now, as good Americans, we never hide something we could market and sell for more money, and given that the three packs generally cost less than purchasing three magazines separately, what would you expect to find as the middle magazine?

Pregnant Middle-Aged Women With One Leg?
Mennonite Lesbian Women?
Post-Op Women of Abilene?
40 Women Over 40 and Over 400 pounds?
Men Dressed As Dogs?

Those titles may be a bit tame for the average three pack, but you get the idea. The third magazine provides amusement only, and not the kind that gets you in trouble at the local bookstore (see prior blog entry). At least, that’s what I choose to believe, because if there actually exists a publisher somewhere who puts these ‘zines out as a serious attempt at embracing sexuality and discovering oneself (don’t I make porn sound very sophisticated?), I not only don’t want to know, I don’t want to know their target audience.

So, there you go, curious readers. The mystery of the three pack, unveiled. I’m thinking of getting my own show on TLC…

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I write. I take pictures. I love my dog. I love Florida. My 2016 book, 'Backroads of Paradise' did really well for the publisher and now I feel a ridiculous amount of pressure to finish the second book.