I should preface this by telling you I do not date. I hate the very idea of dating. That said… I am fascinated by the male courtship rituals, much like a scientist is by the courtship rituals of horseshoe crabs. So, as an objective observer, here’s what I’ve noticed:
10. Don’t talk about marriage or even commitment. Every woman over 30 does not feel like she has a better chance of getting struck by lightning than finding a husband. Forget the Dr. Phil crap or whatever you’ve read, women are not necessarily dating with the idea of marriage and kids as the prize. Look at it from another point of view: a woman who has made it to 30 and is not married has probably lived alone for at least a good portion of the time between college graduation and today. Now add this in: women, unless we are head over heels crazy in love, are selfish. After several years of living alone, we may have decided we actually LIKE not having to answer to anyone as to why we painted the dining room purple or want to have Indian takeout for dinner for eight nights in a row. So when you come along and talk about marriage and kids, you may think we see a knight in shining armor, and all we’re seeing is eggshell white walls and balanced meals. You have become the ball and chain. Quite a reversal from dating in your early 20s, isn’t it?
9. Understand that most women want to have sex and at least some of them want it with you. Look, I hear my guy friends talk, and I hear my girl friends talk, and you know what I hear? I hear almost every guy talking as though he has to chase sex around and manipluate himself into bed, but I hear almost every female friend complaining that their boyfriend or husband or girlfriend doesn’t want enough sex. I’m gonna make it easy for you here: women like sex. They, like men, would probably start a war for it and never look back. And I don’t know a single woman who has to hear “I love you” to decide to sleep with a guy. Women know within the first few days (if not moments) whether or not they would sleep with a guy. Now, some women may have better self control than others, but that’s about the only difference from one of us to the next. Quit making sex such an issue, grow a pair, and stop acting like it’s a college bar scene.
8. While we’re on the subject of sex: Society has messed women up a bit, so your whole “clueless” thing you’ve got going on about sex isn’t the least bit helpful. Women are raised that all men are after is one thing. Ok, maybe it’s not quite that dramatic, but generally women, as a result of their upbringing, believe that they should never initiate sex (at least, not the first time). That means men have to make the first move. I know that’s not fair, I know it’s a lot of rejection potential, but if you don’t ask, women assume you don’t find them attractive. I don’t know one woman who thinks a guy didn’t try to get her into bed because he respected her too much. I know several who think it was because the guy didn’t find them attractive. Seriously, guys, find a moment where it seems appropriate and just ask… don’t make that face, just be a man and make the first move. We have to give birth and get our periods, initiating sex and opening car doors is all on you.
7. Don’t say nice things. Women like guys who are absolutely as into them as they are into the guy, don’t get me wrong. But nice isn’t exciting. I’m not saying be an asshole; I’m saying the compliments and all that crap have to be sincere, not because you’re trying to be nice. Women don’t care if you’re nice. They don’t want to be beaten and left for dead in an alley or stood up, either, but they also don’t want to be showered with compliments because you think that’s what you have to do. If you think something about a woman is really cool, then tell her. Otherwise, stop trying to be so damn nice. It’s a crazy world. I didn’t invent it, I’m just along for the ride.
6. Don’t make promises. Ever. Just do what you want to promise to do. Example: “I promise I will take you to Rome.” Yeah, whatever. But you show up with tickets, that’s better than a promise. Get the idea? Words are just words, and if you don’t make promises all the time, when you do, women will pay attention and take you seriously.
5. Don’t EVER tell women any of the following: You don’t like porn, supermodels are too skinny, you never look at other women, and you only read Playboy for the articles. Women don’t even read Playboy for the articles, and as for the rest, we know you’re lying. We may want to believe you as badly as you want us to believe you, but we don’t. Don’t insult us. Most women don’t care about any of those things, and look at it this way: if you read Playboy and your girlfriend or whoever thinks that makes you a bad person, why are you with her?
4. Pets mean more to women than you do. If you are allergic to dogs and she has one, thank her for the pleasant conversation and walk away. No good will come of it.
3. Sometimes when women answer with “I don’t care”, they really don’t. They’re not just being nice; it probably doesn’t matter if they play darts or pool. But when they express a preference, pay attention.
2. Don’t wake the beast. Women are evil creatures. Ever heard the phrase, “Never trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn’t die”? How do you avoid this? Act like you’re with a friend who you happen to find wildly attractive and drop all the other bullshit. Have fun. Be yourself. Do NOT do the Eddie Haskell thing and know when to give up the fight; I know several women who take perverse joy in shredding guys who can’t take a hint or try to be all things to all women (I have to admit, it’s great to watch). I personally have been in a bar and shredded a guy just for the hell of it because he was trying too hard. It still makes me smile to this day, and that was in 1995.
1. Do what you say you’re going to, and don’t say you’re gonna do much. No human being can be all things to all people. But if you say you’re going to grout her tile, help her move, paint her toenails, whatever, you damn well better do it. And here’s a bonus secret: women don’t mind honesty. It’s OK if you don’t want to help a woman move. We don’t like to be told no and will probably get a little pissy at first, but trust me, you will deal better saying, “nope, can’t make it” than promising to be there and then having your grandmother mysteriously die. Or, hey, actually showing up to help when you would rather be anywhere else and THEN acting like a pisshead the whole time.
