So this morning I went to a llama farm in Pinellas Park. For those of you playing the home game, because it’s my job. I get to do unusual things and write about them, which, when compared to some of the things I have to write about, is actually pretty cool. So when I ran into a guy selling llama beans at the Tuesday Fresh Market, I thought it’d be a cool thing to write about: a llama farm.
Before we go on, though, let me clarify: llama beans are NOT IN ANY WAY SIMILAR to lima beans. Llama beans are fertilizer. Yes, boys and girls, llama shit. This is why I tell people it’s important that we be very specific in what we wish for: when I was a child, I wished to be a writer. This is the Universe’s way of saying, “Specificity, bitch!”
Back to the llama farm (which I totally swear is real even if they don’t have a web site): I pictured genteel camels, which they kind of were. To me. They’re assholes to each other, but apparently once they sniff your hair they know you forever. I’m uncomfortable with that; I don’t know how, but I feel like once the government gets ahold of this information it may mean very bad things.
Anyway, these mostly docile fuzzy creatures were disconcertingly aware of me. I don’t mean like a cat or dog; think “velociraptor with fur” and you get the picture. I did not one bit care for how their eyes followed my every move.
Paranoid? There were, at any given time, six sets of llama eyes following my every move. Then I noticed the females in the field were all tracking my movements as well. Do you know how female llamas show dominance? They spit their cuds at each other. Whoever gets the LESS direct hit gets ostracized for up to three weeks by the other females, thus proving that females across the globe, irrespective of species, are little assholes.
It still beats how the males show dominance. Llama keepers have to file down the conical teeth on the males. Why? Because to show dominance over the other males, they BITE THE OTHER LLAMAS BALLS OFF.
That’s information I think we all can use.
Also, my friend Kelli has a sick sense of humor. Not like me. So she posted this video, the audio of which I swear is a bastardized Pirates of Penzance, on The Most Interesting Dog in the World’s Facebook page. That’s Calypso’s page, and she has a lot more fun than I do, so you should totally “like” it and follow her on the Twitter. I’m hoping to get her a Dos Equis contract…