Calypso has lived for eight whole months, a fact she celebrated by going into heat. Sort of. I think.
See, my confusion stems from this: no one – not my vet, not Wikipedia, not people who have dogs, seems real certain how this works. The ONLY thing everyone agrees on is that she shouldn’t have puppies until she’s in her second heat. Or second year. Or second season. Except my mother, who says Calypso shouldn’t have puppies at all. But my mother also once told me that kissing with your mouth open was disgusting, and ever since I found out she was wrong about that (just last May), anything else she says is suspect as well.
Last week she started what I can only assume is something somewhat similar to a doggie period, so I had to buy her little puppy dog maxi pads. Wasn’t THAT fun. I don’t have much shame; I really don’t. I could buy condoms for my grandfather if he needed them, but something about the nomenclature tripped me up. So I’m in the pet store and I can’t find what I need, so I get a clerk and start to ask her, except I realize I don’t even know how to refer to them. What the HELL do you call them? Doggie tampons don’t exist, I’m sure and I hope, so that’s out. Doggie maxi pads? Mini pads? Panty liners? Do dogs have access to the wide array of absorbent feminine products that women (and a few kinky and confused men) do? I end up whispering- WHISPERING- that I need “doggie… um, pads, or whatever.”
Turns out that the sexual revolution COMPLETELY passed by the canine world. They have a severely limited selection of feminine (is that even the proper adjective?)products. No maxi pads, no mini pads, no scented or unscented, no wings. Just boxes of “sanitary napkins”. Who even calls them that anymore? I don’t know much, but I have a fair level of confidence that the average teenager would think you were talking about some sort of bloodborne pathogen barrier product commonly used in the restaurant industry if you asked them to define “sanitary napkins”.
I ended up buying Calypso a little pink gingham ruffly diaper (don’t get me started about the logic of having something called a diaper used in conjunction with a maxi pad) and little doggy “sanitary napkins,” which she hates. She does not like restricted access to her, as her vet calls it, “little girl area.”
Which brings me to the point of this post: that “little girl area” has definitely morphed into something quite the opposite. It is no longer little and rather than looking like a “girl” area, it makes her look like a porn star.
All she needs is a cheap set of pasties and a pole to practice on.
