To my loved ones,
When you read this story, take a look at the video link to see what
aired last night on Channel 10.
No, my picture was not on television.
No, I am not a “senior citizen” (that really annoyed me).
Yes, I have been asked for my autograph.
No, I do not like giving it.
Yes, my mother knows, although she hasn’t seen the calendar yet (hi,
Yes, Gulfport IS a small town, and to that end,
YES, if one more person comes up to me and says “Hey! I didn’t
recognize you with your clothes on” while I’m either 1) trying to
interview someone for the paper or b) meeting with a prospective client
and trying to maintain the image of a professional, I will slap them.
Small, eclectic arts village or no, there’s a time and a place, people!
Yes, I knew people would be inclined to comment on the calendar.
No, I didn’t think it would be as widespread as it is.
Yes, I would do it again.
No, I would not choose the same pose.
Yes, there was a significant amount of wine at the photo shoot.
No, I did not get drunk to do this.
Yes, Tom has a calendar.
Yes, his girls and his sister have seen it (his sister was the one who
called him and said it was on last night’s news).
Yes, we were all naked when we had our pictures taken. The photographer
looked away until the other “girls” said we were appropriately covered
and then looked back to snap the picture. Keep in mind none of us are
ever gonna make the cover of Playboy, and this guy is just a struggling
photographer with a family. I don’t think he could afford the therapy
if he had seen everyone naked.
Yes, I had fun doing it.
Yes, I am aware this MAY ruin my shot at the presidency. On the upside,
it IS Gulfport, so I think this may cement my chances at getting on
Yes, I love my head shot and overall am happy with the actual picture.
Now, to answer some questions you may have if you’ve actually seen the
With tape (Note to any of you who find yourself in a similar situation:
go with spirit gum. The tape hurt like hell to remove.)
Because I typically run sound for the Players and that was the best I
could come up.
I don’t know why it’s misspelled, but it IS spelled correctly the
I did not have anything suggestive in mind with the microphone cables.
Get your minds out of the gutter; I was just trying to cover myself up.
The “rogue nipple” rumor IS true, but it is not mine. You’ll just have
to look through the calendar for it.
Because, to the best of my knowledge, you only go ’round once (to
borrow a phrase from Miss January, Judy Ryerson). At 32, I am fairly
certain Hefner’s never gonna call me up for Miss October, and I don’t
think I’m ever gonna displace Cindy Crawford or the current twig of the
month as a supermodel. I have no desire to be a model, but hell, this
was fun and I don’t ever want to lie on my deathbed with regrets for
things I didn’t do.
And some answers for my mother, who hasn’t actually seen the calendar
yet. I can picture what’s whipping through her mind as she reads
further and further down the body of this e-mail.
No, mom, it’s not porn.
No, I think you’re taking it too seriously. It was all in good fun.
No, the aforementioned “I didn’t recognize you with your clothes on” is
a joke; no one can see anything but hip, stomach, and as much of my
breasts as you see in the bathing suit that you don’t like (the blue
Yes, mom, my boss at The Gabber knows. The whole office has seen the
calendar, and they think it’s funny. So I’m not gonna lose the work.
Didn’t get a raise, either, but that’s probably for the best.
Yes, I was naked under the microphones and cables and all (that’s not
an image that’s helping relax you, is it?), but the only ones who saw
were the other women, and it was very brief. It was like I was doing
the photo shoot with Grandma (again, I may not be putting your mind at
Look at it this way- you can be reasonably sure I haven’t gotten any
I’m not trying to sell the calendars here, just thought that you would
all get a laugh out of the news story. If you do decide you want one,
they’re $15 at the Gulfport Chamber of Commerce ( I DARE anyone to tell
me Gulfport isn’t the coolest town in the world; can you picture the
Clearwater Chamber selling anything like this?) or from the Gulfport
And one final thought… it’s nice to see women who aren’t ashamed of
their bodies, no matter what they look like. None of the women have the
body of a model, and I’m glad. The closest we came to that was Eileen,
and while she’s in great shape, I’m certain that “real” models are at
least 20 pounds lighter than her. These women had scars from hip
replacements, childbirth, and other life-related things. I cannot see
my splenectomy scar on my photo and I really hope it’s not because the
graphic artist airbrushed it out. It’s part of my life, part of what
makes me who I am. Sure, the calendar was meant to be funny, but I
think the women in it are amazing for having the courage to do what
they did and not apologize for their bodies. Maybe if more women did
that we wouldn’t have so many teenagers with anorexia, bulimia, or just
a negative self-image. Maybe the South Beach Diet and the Atkins Diet
wouldn’t have people destroying their bodies in search of the elusive,
The movie that inspired the Players to create the Backstage Babes
calendar had a line in it that I think says it all: “every stage of
their growth has its own beauty.”
Of course, the line that immediately follows that is “but the last
phase is always the most glorious. Then very quickly they all go to