House Buying Fun

Yes, it continues…

Guess what? Closing on the new home (a relative term, as it’s been standing since 1925), as I expected, has been pushed back. Maybe Tuesday. Maybe shortly after hell gets really chilly. Or somewhere in between.

I hate banks.

I swear to god, they’re gonna have to drag me out of this next house in a casket, ’cause I AM NOT doing this again (you all know that’s probably not true, but let me have this moment, k?). This is house #4 for me, which equates to “closing” #4 as well. Rule of thumb- if your mortgage broker says it will take a month to close, she REALLY means “the bank told me it would be no problem, but all underwriters are sadistic, nasty individuals who lead otherwise empty and meaningless lives and derive their only enjoyment from fucking with you, so they’re going to analyze your file obsessively and make your life a living hell and then, when you manage to produce document after document, they will go on vacation, stall for time, and flat out ignore you. I like you, but I’m not blowing the underwriter for you, and it probably wouldn’t work anyway- I hear impotency is a prerequisite for the job, so plan on a month and a half.”

Actually, that’s not fair… she’s not to blame; how could she know my tenants wouldn’t pay on time and that the bank would pull another credit report showing that they, and ultimately I, hadn’t paid the mortgage on time? One credit report should be enough, don’t you think? It would seem so. But the second one came at a most inopportune time, and there’s really nothing she can say when my credit score tanks. Plus, the underwriting guys suck. Except, apparently, no one sucks THEM. Crude, I know.

No matter who brokers your mortgage, the moral of this story is: Just add 50% to whatever you need the time frame to be (if your lease expires in a month, plan closing in six weeks). THIS IS THE IMMUTABLE LAW OF MORTGAGES. I have a broker who might actually sign a deal with Satan himself to close this loan, she got me my last mortgage when I had no regular income and no real credit to speak of and I to this day don’t know how (I suspect it’s like sausage- I love to eat it but I don’t want to see how it’s made), and I know she’s about killed herself for this loan, too. If she couldn’t usher the bank along, it cannot be done. Do not kid yourself: your loan will be no different. It will, most likely, be worse. If you want it to be better, PAY CASH. Jesus himself could descend from heaven and have the cash- in sterling- for all but $5000 of the loan, and even then have his heavenly father ready to cosign on that amount, and underwriting would deny it based on “almost 2000 years without a stable income.”

I’m a cheery soul, eh? It may be the impending homelessness.

Nope, not sure where I’m gonna go. Maybe on vacation to the Keys until I close. Maybe Tom’s. Perhaps I’ll hide out at Fort DeSoto or break into the Gabber offices to sleep. Maybe I’ll just grab a bottle of malt liquor and sit under the 275 overpass on 22nd until I collect enough change to pay cash for the house. (How many quarters will it take to get 72,500?)

Yes, if any of you are shrewdly wondering, I DO own a house just around the corner. Yes, I could have evicted a tenant two months ago and avoided this whole mess. Yes, it has a fenced yard and a freshly remodeled bathroom. I’m currently tiling an entryway. Thanks so much for bringing it up.

As you may guess, I’m a wee bit frustrated, but I’m actually glad I didn’t close today- past experience has left me with so little faith that mortgages can be made in a month that I didn’t bother to arrange for power, water, or internet service- would have been screwed if I HAD closed. So there’s the bright side.

Gonna go to Billy’s with Tom and have a beer. It’s where they filmed parts of Summer Rental, so it should cheer me up.

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I write. I take pictures. I love my dog. I love Florida. My 2016 book, 'Backroads of Paradise' did really well for the publisher and now I feel a ridiculous amount of pressure to finish the second book.