I love Luci. She’s the most realistic mom I know my age. She doesn’t pull any punches with her two girls, and she’s been brutally honest with them about sex and drugs, including revealing plenty of anecdotes about her own experiences, thus ensuring her two girls will, most likely, never have sex. Forget about telling your kids “just say no” and giving them that “why buy the cow?” crap; if you want to make sure your kids never do drugs or have sex, let Luci tell them stories about her high school boyfriend using sandwich bags for condoms.
Here’s her most recent “Joy of Motherhood” e-mail:
“Randi Sue is going to a marching band party tonight. Damn, I should have put her on the pill during Spring Break… This is an actual conversation we had a couple of days ago while she was filling out the forms to pick her classes for next year:
MA: Maybe next year you’ll get to touch Meat’s (the kid she has a crush on) meat!
RS: I’m not ready to touch anybody’s meat thank you.
MA: Wow. By your age I was already slinging it around like confetti. Of course it wasn’t any fun. It was like being poked with a big inexperienced finger.
MA: Covered in a Ziploc bag with a rubber band at the top since my ‘boyfriend’ was too embarrassed to buy condoms.
RS: Is there any question in your mind as to why I want to be a psychologist?
MA: Hey, if you even get a high school diploma, you beat your old Ma.
RS: If you keep talking to me I’m going to put in the wrong numbers and end up in a ‘How to give a blow job’ class.
MA: Don’t be silly. You only need to take that if you’re not going to college.
I want my Parent of the Year award and I want it now!!!”
…. Tonight, on a very special Blossom