A Letter From Scuppers

Hi Aunt Leah,

I think I’ve forgiven you for not letting me live with you because I like the beach, but don’t think that means you can get away with anything while SHE is gone. Here are my rules, and don’t even think about breaking them. Unless you give me catnip. I love catnip.

1. Feed me. This is not negotiable. There is dry and wet food under the kitchen sink. SHE will tell you to leave out dry food and give me a tin of wet food if you think I deserve it, but here’s what you really do: Open the bag and leave it out on the floor. Really. I swear. That’s TOTALLY what SHE does.
2. Clean out my litter. Preferably you will station yourself in the bathroom for the entire duration of HER absence since you’ve laid the food out on the floor for me and would have no reason to leave the bathroom. Bags are under the kitchen sink and extra litter will be left out for you on the toilet seat. Until I knock it over. I never make a mess but SHE keeps a dustpan and handbroom under the bathroom sink and a Dustbuster charging on the wall under the bulletin board.
3. Dog and I share water, but Dog won’t be here. Dog’s water is on the yellow and blue stepstool next to the oven. I like Perrier with lime but if it doesn’t look like a good year, I will accept a Pelligrino with a fresh lime. Please remove the seeds before squeezing the lime into my bowl. I also like a lime twist, which the bourgeois would call excessive since I have the squeezed lime already, but rest assured this is how Cats did it in ancient Egypt. Please take care to remove the pithy part of the twist; it leaves an unpleasant aftertaste.
4. Comb me. There is a red flea comb in the basket of toys next to the bookshelf. I usually don’t have fleas but if I like the way it feels when the comb runs under my chin and along my cheeks. SHE will tell you there is a blue brush in the toy basket so I don’t leave cat hair everywhere, but don’t listen to HER. Also, if you try to brush my tummy I will try and bite you. You can rub my tummy, though, if you’ve recently moisturized your hands with goat’s milk lotion that has lavender added. Otherwise please refrain.
5. Give me catnip. Look, I can quit any time I want. SHE won’t tell you where it is but I’ve seen it and it’s in the cabinet above the stepstool. There’s a pink Kong and a white seal in the toy basket; you can stuff it in either of those. In fact, as with the cat food, just open the lid and let me at it. Really. I swear. That’s what SHE does, true story.

OK, if you have any other questions please ask me directly. Don’t listen to HER and her “rules.”

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I write. I take pictures. I love my dog. I love Florida. My 2016 book, 'Backroads of Paradise' did really well for the publisher and now I feel a ridiculous amount of pressure to finish the second book.

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